God

     God. How does one go about describing God? He is more than anything we can ever comprehend. I've tried to reason/ explain away events in my life that have not gone according to the way I thought they should. The way I knew for sure that they should go, but didn't. What I'm just starting to realize is that God is so much bigger than me. He's so much smarter than me. I am only but a human. He is so much more.
     When my mom got sick with cancer I had such crazy faith that I was willing to believe God could, and would, heal her. I got everyone praying for her. I knew with God all things were possible. Three long fight filled months later my mom went to be with the God that could do anything.
     I still had that crazy faith in Him. So, I petitioned God to bring my mom back to life. I knew He could do it. I had no doubt about that. I got a few prayer warriors praying for her. People I knew that had a crazy faith like mine. I got permission from my dad to pray for God to do a miracle. He told me he couldn't pray and believe, but he gave me his blessing for me to petition God for such a miracle. So, I did. I didn't go home from the funeral home after I received daddy's permission. I knew that as soon as I did, I would be plagued with doubt, discouragement and fear. So I called Kevin, told him my plan and focused on the Word and getting prayed up.
     When 4 o'clock rolled around I met my parent's pastor and his wife at the funeral home. Ihad asked them to come and pray with me. They were more than willing. They had crazy faith too.
     After praying for an hour the faith that we all started with was gone. It was like God changed His mind and just said, 'No'.
     I was confused at first. I knew God had called me to do this and then it was like He just flipped a switch and changed His mind. No explanation. Nothing. I've tried to figure out the why, but to no avail. The only thing God has said about the subject was when He told me thru a friend, "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." Is.55:9
     I wasn't sure what that meant. That was eight years ago. Since then I've had issues with trusting God. Believing He really could or even would do what He said. It's been a long road. I'm still on this road. Still trying to find my way back to Him, to that crazy faith I once had.
     The reason for this blog post today was because I read something about God being more than man. Him being unknowable. Because if we could figure Him out or reason Him away then He wouldn't be worth worshipping. Worth believing in. Worthy of being called God.
     I titled this blog God because it was/ is about my coming to at least a closer understanding of Him today and my desire to begin rebuilding my faith in Him.

Doing Life Alone

Secrets. That has been an issue with me. I've learned to do life alone because not always were people receptive to my problems, my issues. So I learned to keep them secret. What I'm learning in CR is that my secrets are one of the things that are hurting me. I'm not being honest with myself or others. That causes a rift between us. Including between myself and God. I'm not sure how to overcome this, but I'm here now. If God has brought me to it then surely He will lead me thru it. I'm counting on it.
During the Celebrate Recovery Summit this week, God has been showing me that I don't need to do life alone. I was not created to do life alone. I was never taught how to do life with others. So as an introvert this seems like a daunting task. Lord help me please. Ugh! These feelings and hang ups are hard. Life is messy. I'm a mess.
Thanks for letting me share.