Day 1 or One Day

"Day 1 or one day," This has been a thought that was brought up by a lady in Celebrate Recovery (CR for short). Basically you can either start your recovery today and make today Day 1 or you can start your recovery one day. The choice is yours. Just like the choice was mine. I could choose the day. Here's how I got to my day 1.
Last year I realized that I was using food for comfort and control, especially sugar. So I started wondering if I should cut it out of my life again. Even though I really didn't think I wanted to do so. October of 2017 I decided to cut out sodas. I made a choice to cut them out because I was having soda almost daily. And it was beginning to mess with my sleeping. So, I made a choice to stop drinking soda. This time I enlisted the help of my family. I told them what I was doing and asked them to help to keep me accountable. They did just that. I even got to the point where I would be able to just say, "tell me no," and they would and that would be good enough for me. I knew that if it was completely up to me then I would give in to my cravings and have no second thoughts about it. So when I allowed them to get involved they were there and I was not alone in me cravings. It's been 3 1/2 months now and I have had 4 sodas. I am trying not to be legalistic, which is helping this process, but I also know my boundaries and I cannot go back to using and abusing soda again.
Day 1 happened upon me at CR. I was during chip time that God called me to dance. (For me, that looked like giving up sugar.) I didn't know if I could, or even if I really wanted to. Didn't I have to want to, to make this thing work? I have a fear of failure that plagues me and I had no desire to fail, and yet He wanted me to dance with Him. I wanted to say yes on the one hand, but on the other hand, I really wasn't sure I was ready. It is not an easy thing to give up sugar. I like it a lot. I thought about giving myself a week to think over the idea and get used to it, but He was still standing there, holding out His hand, asking me to dance with Him. I am pretty sure He would have waited for me and still been there had I waited another week, but because I didn't wait, and I did accept His offer to dance, He blessed me. I went up and got my blue chip to tell the group and myself that I was going to start something new. I took the step. It was hard, but I was willing. I knew that I couldn't just say in my own mind that I was cutting out sugar. I had to make it public, to make it known to others, because I struggle on my own. I am better when there are people there holding me accountable.
Day 2 did not go well at all. The morning started out on a sour note, and then continued that way throughout the day. On the plus side, God was there. He helped me through the day, and I didn't have any sugar or extra food that I usually would have had to cope with my frustrations.
Day 3 has been a blessing. When I took Courtney and her friend out to lunch this afternoon the thought went through my head that I could get lemonade for lunch. And then I realized that I couldn't/ wouldn't do that because I was not having sugar in my diet. It was almost a relief. That sounds strange to me, but it was true. It felt good not to have to drink lemonade, or anything besides water.
I do not know what the following days will look like, but I will continue to dance with my Daddy through this new stage in my life.

Safe thru the storms of life

This is what I desire today. To be safe thru this storm. Life has been rough these last few weeks. Even more so than normal. God showed me that He wants to be my strong tower, my safe place. There are times when I can rest in this truth and others where I struggle with being still and knowing He's God. Knowing that He's got me. This is a place of growth that I'm struggling thru right now. A time of testing that I feel as though I'm failing miserably.
Courtney, my 16 year old, is taking a bench mark test today and asked me to pray that she didn't fail too miserably. I prayed for her and asked God to help her with this test, help her to do well. That's what I feel like right now. Like I don't have the faith to ask that I do well in this test, but only have enough faith to ask that I just don't fail too miserably.
It amazes me how God uses my kids to teach me things. Things that I'm not sure if I'd see if it came at me a different way, but when it comes from my kids it makes sense to me. I see the things He's showing me and I am blessed because it is a visual that I can understand,  that I can wrap my mind around.
Not sure how much (if any) of that pertains to the title that I gave this post before I started it. It just sounded good.
Sorry for my randomness today. I just needed a place to get some thoughts out of my head.
May God be your stronghold, your safe place today.

Shame vs Love

I've titled this blog shame vs love because I was thinking about how I struggle with sharing my brokenness and sin with others. God says in His Word, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear...". When I am more willing to open up to someone and share my sin with them is when I feel loved. If I don't feel loved or fear being shunned or shamed by someone, then I will be less likely to be honest about my sins. When I fear I am less likely to open up to God, to myself or to someone else.

Missing You God

God, I've been missing You. Missing what we used to have together. A life of conversation, relationship, honesty and hope. One that I've not been a part of lately. I know that You've not left me, and honestly I've not left You either, but I have been ignoring You. I've not been giving You the attention that You desire. I've allowed myself to be preoccupied with life and silly phone games. I've chosen them over You on a daily basis. How do I choose You again God when I've become consumed with these mindless games that help me to unwind after work or even before work? Help me Abba to come back to You. To come back to Our relationship. Our life together. I need Your help because I cannot do this on my own.

Good Morning God

It's been a long time God. You and I have always had a close relationship, but there are also those many times in my life that I can say that I've wandered away from You and done my own thing. This happens to be one of those times. I don't really know why or how  I end up like this. I just know that I do so periodically. I also know that You are always there waiting for me to come back to you.
So, here I am  God. I'm ready to come home. I know that this is Your desire too. Please help me to make this transition a smooth one. I've been my own person, done my own thing and wanted  this life that I've created for myself. Now, I'd like to come back to You and do Your thing. Be Your life, Your child.

My heart

So,  I went to a women's retreat last month. I really enjoyed catching up with some old friends. Plus, also meeting some new ones. While there I was asked to share. I knew this ahead of time, but I didn't know what to share. I've probably shared this with you before, but I needed a little background so this would make sense. Before I was to share the ladies all laid their hands on me and prayed for me. One lady in particular had a word from the Lord for me me. She saw my heart. She said it was beautiful, pink and locked up. I had my heart locked up. It's true.  I've been scared to allow people in. To let God in.  I saw that this morning as I was lying in bed waiting for my alarm to go off. I wanted to allow God to have my heart. To open it, but after I told Him He could I became afraid. That old fear that lingers still. I want Him to have access to my heart, but vulnerability... real vulnerability is a scary thing for me. A scary place. I know all the right things to say to encourage someone to open up, but to actually do it myself , scares me.
That's where Iam right now. No great break throughs, only this revelation.  Thanks for letting me share.

Hope

I found this morning that I have hope. I feel hope again. Hope which gives me joy. Hope which brings me peace.
God loves me right where I am. This is something that I've tried to convince myself of for a long time now. It's been a head issue, but God is making it into a heart issue. One that I can wrap my mind around. One that I can believe and accept as my own. It is an amazing, wonderful gift. I really wanted this, but didn't know how to manufacture it on my own. Guess what, I couldn't. And I didn't. I did nothing to make this happen on my own. It's ALL God's doing. That's what makes it so amazing. It's real. I cannot really describe this new feeling, but it's definitely that. NEW! Amazing! Life changing. I don't know what to do with it except to enjoy it. Maybe I'll begin to rest in this love like God called me to do years ago. I didn't know what that meant because it was only a head knowledge of His love that I had at the time. This knew love that I'm experiencing is amazing and almost tangible. It's full and consuming. I am truly blessed. I can hope. I can rest. I can just be.