Hope

I found this morning that I have hope. I feel hope again. Hope which gives me joy. Hope which brings me peace.
God loves me right where I am. This is something that I've tried to convince myself of for a long time now. It's been a head issue, but God is making it into a heart issue. One that I can wrap my mind around. One that I can believe and accept as my own. It is an amazing, wonderful gift. I really wanted this, but didn't know how to manufacture it on my own. Guess what, I couldn't. And I didn't. I did nothing to make this happen on my own. It's ALL God's doing. That's what makes it so amazing. It's real. I cannot really describe this new feeling, but it's definitely that. NEW! Amazing! Life changing. I don't know what to do with it except to enjoy it. Maybe I'll begin to rest in this love like God called me to do years ago. I didn't know what that meant because it was only a head knowledge of His love that I had at the time. This knew love that I'm experiencing is amazing and almost tangible. It's full and consuming. I am truly blessed. I can hope. I can rest. I can just be.

My God loves me

I may have said this before, but it's worth repeating. My God loves me. This is something that I've known in my head for a long time, but getting it from my head to my heart has been difficult. I can declare God's love for me till I'm blue in the face, but if I don't believe it in my heart then where am I? In the dark. Without hope.
Working on my 12 step where we are now on the lesson entitled HOPE. Principle 2 states, Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.
I've struggled thru this for years now. Wanting to believe this, but not truly able to get my heart to believe it. This past weekend as I was attending a women's retreat God showed up and showed off. What I am learning is that God really does love me. It's becoming real for me. I do believe God exists. And I am truly beginning to believe that I matter to Him. It's a great place to be.
Found this verse: Micah 7:18 Who is a God like Thee, who pardons iniquity and passes over the rebellious act of the remnant of His possession? He does not retain His anger forever, because He delights in unchanging love.

Trust Me

I keep hearing God asking me to trust Him. Trust Me, he says. Sometimes it makes sense and I see the reason for my need to trust Him. But there are other times like right now when I'm not sure why He says, trust Me.
God, I don't know why You keep saying this to me, but I choose to trust You. You are worthy of my trust. Worthy of my faith. Worthy of my love. I can trust You and not fear, because fear involves punishment.
1 John 4:16-19 says, And we have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this, love is perfected with us, that we may have confidence in the day of judgement; because as He is, so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because He first loved us.

Love of God

This past weekend I was blessed to enjoy a weekend with 6 other wonderful ladies of God. God was there. He showed up and He showed off. I didn't know what to expect because we were all asked to be teachers for the weekend. I felt woefully unprepared, but also not fearful. I kept hearing Trust Me. I wasn't sure if that was supposed to be what I was to talk on or if that was what God was calling me to do. So I went and found that God showed up mightily.
I was struggling thru one night with a desire to hide. To close myself up. During the course of the night I was brought to a revelation that I was like my mom in the fact that I cannot cry. Unless I get really upset or completely overwhelmed. I don't want to be this way any more. God gave me the verse "Jesus wept". I looked it up so I could write down the reference. I came to the conclusion that I want to be like Jesus. I want to be able to cry. After I looked that verse up God placed it on my friend's heart to ask me what it was that I looked up. I told her and she said she expected me to say something profound or encouraging or something else, just not that. I was able to explain to them what God was working in me. The next night before I was to speak they prayed over me. God spoke words of encouragement to me thru one of the ladies. Everything she said was spot on. What I received from the weekend was that God really does live me.
There's more I could share, but I'm out of time for now.  Thanks for letting me share.

Tough questions

So, my daughter has been asking some tough questions of me lately. It has caused me to ask some of those tough questions of myself. One is why do we believe in God. I could easily reason or explain that to myself. It's simple, faith. But what do I say to my inquisitive, sincere and searching young teenager? I told her that for one it's how I was raised. Why don't we worship Buddha or someone else? Was the other question that accompanied the first. I've not had a desire to worship or believe in any other god, person or thing. It's always been the One and Only God for me. Always. Is that wrong that I've never looked for anything else? No, I don't think so. I can say that I've tried to do things on my own. I've tried to be my own god,  if you will. Tried to make things happen and fill the void inside me with material things like food, sweets, shopping, t.v., books and people pleasing, to name a few. Control is a struggle for me still. So are the other things I named. I'm learning how to allow my God to help me with my struggles and temptations. It's not been an easy journey, but I'm learning more and more about me. God also showed me yesterday that He was the One that created me to be the way that I am and that He knows every single part of my make-up. He's not ashamed of me nor is He disappointed in me. That goes a long way for me. Wish I could say it fixes everything that I've believed about myself up until this point, but it doesn't. It just takes me a step closer to healing.