Good Morning God

It's been a long time God. You and I have always had a close relationship, but there are also those many times in my life that I can say that I've wandered away from You and done my own thing. This happens to be one of those times. I don't really know why or how  I end up like this. I just know that I do so periodically. I also know that You are always there waiting for me to come back to you.
So, here I am  God. I'm ready to come home. I know that this is Your desire too. Please help me to make this transition a smooth one. I've been my own person, done my own thing and wanted  this life that I've created for myself. Now, I'd like to come back to You and do Your thing. Be Your life, Your child.

My heart

So,  I went to a women's retreat last month. I really enjoyed catching up with some old friends. Plus, also meeting some new ones. While there I was asked to share. I knew this ahead of time, but I didn't know what to share. I've probably shared this with you before, but I needed a little background so this would make sense. Before I was to share the ladies all laid their hands on me and prayed for me. One lady in particular had a word from the Lord for me me. She saw my heart. She said it was beautiful, pink and locked up. I had my heart locked up. It's true.  I've been scared to allow people in. To let God in.  I saw that this morning as I was lying in bed waiting for my alarm to go off. I wanted to allow God to have my heart. To open it, but after I told Him He could I became afraid. That old fear that lingers still. I want Him to have access to my heart, but vulnerability... real vulnerability is a scary thing for me. A scary place. I know all the right things to say to encourage someone to open up, but to actually do it myself , scares me.
That's where Iam right now. No great break throughs, only this revelation.  Thanks for letting me share.

Hope

I found this morning that I have hope. I feel hope again. Hope which gives me joy. Hope which brings me peace.
God loves me right where I am. This is something that I've tried to convince myself of for a long time now. It's been a head issue, but God is making it into a heart issue. One that I can wrap my mind around. One that I can believe and accept as my own. It is an amazing, wonderful gift. I really wanted this, but didn't know how to manufacture it on my own. Guess what, I couldn't. And I didn't. I did nothing to make this happen on my own. It's ALL God's doing. That's what makes it so amazing. It's real. I cannot really describe this new feeling, but it's definitely that. NEW! Amazing! Life changing. I don't know what to do with it except to enjoy it. Maybe I'll begin to rest in this love like God called me to do years ago. I didn't know what that meant because it was only a head knowledge of His love that I had at the time. This knew love that I'm experiencing is amazing and almost tangible. It's full and consuming. I am truly blessed. I can hope. I can rest. I can just be.

My God loves me

I may have said this before, but it's worth repeating. My God loves me. This is something that I've known in my head for a long time, but getting it from my head to my heart has been difficult. I can declare God's love for me till I'm blue in the face, but if I don't believe it in my heart then where am I? In the dark. Without hope.
Working on my 12 step where we are now on the lesson entitled HOPE. Principle 2 states, Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.
I've struggled thru this for years now. Wanting to believe this, but not truly able to get my heart to believe it. This past weekend as I was attending a women's retreat God showed up and showed off. What I am learning is that God really does love me. It's becoming real for me. I do believe God exists. And I am truly beginning to believe that I matter to Him. It's a great place to be.
Found this verse: Micah 7:18 Who is a God like Thee, who pardons iniquity and passes over the rebellious act of the remnant of His possession? He does not retain His anger forever, because He delights in unchanging love.

Trust Me

I keep hearing God asking me to trust Him. Trust Me, he says. Sometimes it makes sense and I see the reason for my need to trust Him. But there are other times like right now when I'm not sure why He says, trust Me.
God, I don't know why You keep saying this to me, but I choose to trust You. You are worthy of my trust. Worthy of my faith. Worthy of my love. I can trust You and not fear, because fear involves punishment.
1 John 4:16-19 says, And we have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this, love is perfected with us, that we may have confidence in the day of judgement; because as He is, so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because He first loved us.

Love of God

This past weekend I was blessed to enjoy a weekend with 6 other wonderful ladies of God. God was there. He showed up and He showed off. I didn't know what to expect because we were all asked to be teachers for the weekend. I felt woefully unprepared, but also not fearful. I kept hearing Trust Me. I wasn't sure if that was supposed to be what I was to talk on or if that was what God was calling me to do. So I went and found that God showed up mightily.
I was struggling thru one night with a desire to hide. To close myself up. During the course of the night I was brought to a revelation that I was like my mom in the fact that I cannot cry. Unless I get really upset or completely overwhelmed. I don't want to be this way any more. God gave me the verse "Jesus wept". I looked it up so I could write down the reference. I came to the conclusion that I want to be like Jesus. I want to be able to cry. After I looked that verse up God placed it on my friend's heart to ask me what it was that I looked up. I told her and she said she expected me to say something profound or encouraging or something else, just not that. I was able to explain to them what God was working in me. The next night before I was to speak they prayed over me. God spoke words of encouragement to me thru one of the ladies. Everything she said was spot on. What I received from the weekend was that God really does live me.
There's more I could share, but I'm out of time for now.  Thanks for letting me share.

Tough questions

So, my daughter has been asking some tough questions of me lately. It has caused me to ask some of those tough questions of myself. One is why do we believe in God. I could easily reason or explain that to myself. It's simple, faith. But what do I say to my inquisitive, sincere and searching young teenager? I told her that for one it's how I was raised. Why don't we worship Buddha or someone else? Was the other question that accompanied the first. I've not had a desire to worship or believe in any other god, person or thing. It's always been the One and Only God for me. Always. Is that wrong that I've never looked for anything else? No, I don't think so. I can say that I've tried to do things on my own. I've tried to be my own god,  if you will. Tried to make things happen and fill the void inside me with material things like food, sweets, shopping, t.v., books and people pleasing, to name a few. Control is a struggle for me still. So are the other things I named. I'm learning how to allow my God to help me with my struggles and temptations. It's not been an easy journey, but I'm learning more and more about me. God also showed me yesterday that He was the One that created me to be the way that I am and that He knows every single part of my make-up. He's not ashamed of me nor is He disappointed in me. That goes a long way for me. Wish I could say it fixes everything that I've believed about myself up until this point, but it doesn't. It just takes me a step closer to healing.

Lies vs Truth

Life has dealt me a handful of lies. Some that I've kept and held close and some that I've completely disregarded as the falsehood they really were. My 12 step ladies and the 12 step process has given me truths that have revealed the lies that I've believed as just that, lies. I'd like to share a couple of the lies and truths that I've learned thru this process.

Lie #1 - I am not worthy of love if I'm not perfect or if I don't have it all together.
Truth #1 revealed - I am worthy of love, mess and all. It's o.k. to be a mess because God and the right people don't expect me to be perfect - only to be me. I am loved just the way I am.

Lie #2 - I can only be happy if other people are happy.
Truth #2 revealed - My happiness is NOT dependent on other people's happiness. A wise lady once told me that "Their happiness is not my responsibility."

Lie #3 - People don't care about me and my mess, so I need to keep my issues to myself.
Truth #3 revealed - God did not create me to do life alone. Life is going to be messy. There are safe people who care about me and want to be there for me.

I'm learning that God really meant it when He called me to do life with one another. I've found that the right people in my life bring about things like hope, peace, joy and life. So instead hiding behind my mask and doing life alone, I'm going to purpose to focus on on God and do life with others.

I can do life with others because I am worthy of love.

God

     God. How does one go about describing God? He is more than anything we can ever comprehend. I've tried to reason/ explain away events in my life that have not gone according to the way I thought they should. The way I knew for sure that they should go, but didn't. What I'm just starting to realize is that God is so much bigger than me. He's so much smarter than me. I am only but a human. He is so much more.
     When my mom got sick with cancer I had such crazy faith that I was willing to believe God could, and would, heal her. I got everyone praying for her. I knew with God all things were possible. Three long fight filled months later my mom went to be with the God that could do anything.
     I still had that crazy faith in Him. So, I petitioned God to bring my mom back to life. I knew He could do it. I had no doubt about that. I got a few prayer warriors praying for her. People I knew that had a crazy faith like mine. I got permission from my dad to pray for God to do a miracle. He told me he couldn't pray and believe, but he gave me his blessing for me to petition God for such a miracle. So, I did. I didn't go home from the funeral home after I received daddy's permission. I knew that as soon as I did, I would be plagued with doubt, discouragement and fear. So I called Kevin, told him my plan and focused on the Word and getting prayed up.
     When 4 o'clock rolled around I met my parent's pastor and his wife at the funeral home. Ihad asked them to come and pray with me. They were more than willing. They had crazy faith too.
     After praying for an hour the faith that we all started with was gone. It was like God changed His mind and just said, 'No'.
     I was confused at first. I knew God had called me to do this and then it was like He just flipped a switch and changed His mind. No explanation. Nothing. I've tried to figure out the why, but to no avail. The only thing God has said about the subject was when He told me thru a friend, "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." Is.55:9
     I wasn't sure what that meant. That was eight years ago. Since then I've had issues with trusting God. Believing He really could or even would do what He said. It's been a long road. I'm still on this road. Still trying to find my way back to Him, to that crazy faith I once had.
     The reason for this blog post today was because I read something about God being more than man. Him being unknowable. Because if we could figure Him out or reason Him away then He wouldn't be worth worshipping. Worth believing in. Worthy of being called God.
     I titled this blog God because it was/ is about my coming to at least a closer understanding of Him today and my desire to begin rebuilding my faith in Him.

Doing Life Alone

Secrets. That has been an issue with me. I've learned to do life alone because not always were people receptive to my problems, my issues. So I learned to keep them secret. What I'm learning in CR is that my secrets are one of the things that are hurting me. I'm not being honest with myself or others. That causes a rift between us. Including between myself and God. I'm not sure how to overcome this, but I'm here now. If God has brought me to it then surely He will lead me thru it. I'm counting on it.
During the Celebrate Recovery Summit this week, God has been showing me that I don't need to do life alone. I was not created to do life alone. I was never taught how to do life with others. So as an introvert this seems like a daunting task. Lord help me please. Ugh! These feelings and hang ups are hard. Life is messy. I'm a mess.
Thanks for letting me share.

Why O Lord can I not hear You? Why can I not feel Your presence? Or know Your love? Why do I feel as if You've left me alone to fend for myself in this crazy, mixed up world? In the crazy mixed up life of mine? Where are You?
Your word says that You will never leave me, nor forsake me. And yet, I feel alone. Left to my own devices which are feeling contrary to You. Do You even care Abba?
Please, come make Yourself known to me. Allow me to feel Your love. To know Your life in me.
Awaken me from this slumber I feel that I'm in. Where life is but a dream. A crazy mixed up dream without You in it. With no thriving. Only surviving. It feels as though winter has come to stay in my heart. Taken up residence and is unwilling to leave. I want to live again Lord. To be beautiful and to thrive. Like the new green of spring. Along with the fresh blossoms. The new life all around. Hope. Joy. Peace. Life.

This morning I've been wondering about myself an  trying to figure out how to feel God's love for  me. While doing this I realized a part of my problem . I have convinced myself that to be loved I have to do. I can't just be loved because of who I am. That's not good enough. I'm not good enough. This thought process is a lie that I've believed for a long time without realizing it. I don't know what to do to change it, but I can at least admit it. I'm not in denial about this. I just don't know how to change it. To change me. Maybe that's what I'm missing with CR. I don't have to fix me cause that's God's job. And get this, He wants to fix me. Because I'm that important. Not because of what I've done, but because I'm His little girl. I'm ready to start believing that, I'm just not quite there yet. But praise God, He's not giving up on me. He's the One who started this work in me and He's going to complete it. Now I just have to be patient and wait on Him to do it. To trust Him to handle this in His timing.

New beginnings

On Monday I begin a new CR 12 step... As a leader. I'm unsure about this. Nervous too. People think I'm ready for this and will be good at it, but I'm unsure. I find it rather ironic that when I was going thru my first 12 step and one of our leaders quit, I was sure that I could handle it. I was willing to help co-lead the group. I felt confidence in myself and my ability. Why now am I feeling unsure if myself?
I watched a movie last night that made me contemplative. A large group of people had been placed in a walled in city and told that the rest of the world was gone, destroyed. They lived this way for 200 years. At the end of the movie they found out that it was a test of sorts. One that they had completed. So now they had the truth and were able to leave and go check out the world outside of their world. Everyone was heading towards the opening in the wall. I started to question why no one was fearful or even just wanted to stay put where they were. I'm not sure I would've wanted to go thru it. What about my comfortable life. Where I was would have become home. No matter how uncomfortable.
So, I now stand with this choice in my life also. Will I take that step forward into the unknown with the promise of hope, a new life?
Jesus is calling. Will I allow Him to be enough? I cannot answer that right away. Maybe soon. Something to contemplate definitely. New beginnings are right around the corner.

What stirs my heart?

While taking some quiet time to read this morning I found an intriguing thought. I titled the post with my thought. What stirs my heart, my soul. Some of you who know me, may know that people stir my heart; words stir my heart; and most of all, God stirs my heart. These three things are passions in my life if you will. God first and foremost is a part of my life that I carry with me everywhere I go. He governs my life... when I allow Him to. He loves me always, even when I don't realize it or feel it. He's always there. For this I am truly grateful.
God is the reason why words stir my heart. It's His gift to me, or should I say in me to you. I love words. They are inspiring, thought-provoking, powerful and wonderful all at the same time. Sometimes they're even heartfelt and honest, which are the ones I like best. They can also be mean and hurtful, full of half-truths and damaging. Those are ones that I hate, that I loathe. These are the ones that I fight with on a regular basis of I'm honest with myself. The ones that run rampant thru my mind trying to get me to believe the lies about myself and others. I see it all the time in people, in myself. More in myself, but I think because I see it in me it helps me to see it also in others.
Which brings me to my third passion. The third thing that stirs my heart, people. People are created in God's image. We are like Him in different ways. Not one of us is like another, so it stands to reason that we are all like a different part of God, created to reflect Him to the world. For me, I reflect Him by my words. I'm a writer. A word person. John said, "In the beginning was the Word, the Word was with God, the Word was God." I am by no means claiming to be God, only that I reflect Him. Created in His image to show Himself to the world. His Word says we were created in His image and I'd like to see us start acting like it, start treating others like they are God's creation. Created to look like Him, to act like Him, to reflect Him to a lost and dying world.
Sorry, got off on a tangent again. Maybe that helps to reiterate my point. My passions are there, given to me by God, to be used for God, to help God's people.
That's all I have for now, just some food for thought after a thought captured my attention this morning. Maybe it will capture yours as well. And maybe you'll find that what stirs your heart also comes from a creative God.

Which way do I go?

After a strange dream last night, I find myself with a choice to make. Do I move forward into an unknown place of growth and change or do I allow myself to fall back into the known where there is no possibility for progress?
After writing about this, I realized that I want change. I want to do things differently. I don't like the way things were. But, with that said, I also don't know where to begin. Here's what my beginning looks like for me...
I have to tell someone near and dear to me how I feel, but with that comes old co-dependency feelings. I don't want to upset the person, to make them feel bad, but I need to find healing and freedom for me.
Co-dependency and feeling my feelings fully are pulling me like a rope in tug of war. If I choose to go forward and feel my feelings then I leave my co dependency issues behind. Along with what is known and what feels safe because it's known. But if I choose to feel my feelings then I move forward into the unknown. Forward motion is progress on one hand, but unknown and fearful on the other hand. Going back means I lose ground in my recovery. I don't want to lose ground. I want to move forward... even though I'm afraid.
Abba, how do I move forward in this new place in my life. Help me, teach me.

God's love daily

His presence when I'm alone
     When I'm lost
     When I'm lonely
     When I'm fearful
His presence when I'm at peace
     When I'm quiet
     When I'm thoughtful
     When I'm at rest
His presence when I'm worried
     When I'm anxious
     When I'm focused on the bag
     When I'm unsure of anything
His presence when I'm secure
     When I'm at peace with who I am
     When I'm loved and I know it
His presence when I'm afraid
     When I see my world falling apart
     When everything I know is unknown
     When my worst fears are now my reality
His presence when I'm joyful
     When everything is going better than hoped
     When my life is full
     When all is well and I wanna shout
His presence when I'm at war
     When I feel like lashing out
     When everything and everyone is against me
     When I'd rather crawl in a hole and hide
His presence for my every need
     No matter how I feel
     No matter what life looks like
     No matter how bad it gets
My God is there loving me thru it all
     Holding me close
     Singing over me
     Reminding me of His love
Daily I must choose to focus on Him
     On His love
     On His presence
     On His truths
Life is full of ups and downs
     God must be my focus
     Trust must be my anchor
     And love must be my aim

Good morning

Good morning Abba. Today as I get ready to head into work I wanted to stop and say good morning. I don't always say anything to you beyond my needs and wants. Like when I ask you to teach me Your love. Or to take care of a friend. Our relationship should not be based on need, but on... on what Abba? How do I abide in You. How do I learn to receive Your love? By spending time with You and learning who You are... who I am because of You.
That's where I'll leave this for now. It's a step. Maybe I can take another step as I go thru this day. Let's do life together today. Remind me of You today Abba.

Perfect in His eyes

Going thru a lot of tough issues in my life lately. From Kevin's major surgery, to my dad battling cancer, to my son lying again. If these were thrown at me one at a time they may have been easier to deal with, but God doesn't always deal in easy. 

For me personally, I've recently (in the past 3 years) learned that I'm what's called a co-dependent. I take others feelings and ideas and problems personally. I do things out of a need to feel loved not out of love. Someone summed co-dependency up by saying this: Co-dependency is doing for someone what they should do for themselves. 

This may not seem harmful or awful or bad even, but it's become my life. I do for others and I don't take my feelings into consideration. I don't always know what I'm feeling even. Because I take others feelings as my own, I allow their thoughts and feelings to dictate my life. If they are sad, then so am I. If they are angry, then so am I. If they need something then I am there to help. If they are too lazy to do it for themselves then I get up and do it for them even if I'm tired. It has to be done, so I take care of it. I don't feel great pleasure or accomplishment from these things, except for the fact that they are done. That's what's important. I would rather that person to have done it, but since they weren't doing it, I felt compelled to do it for them. Someone has to do it, right? 

With now knowing a little more about me it's caused me to feel frustrated with me and a desire to change me has been growing inside. This could be a good thing, but with being a co-dependent I want everything to be perfect, and everyone to be happy. So I've struggled with stepping out of my co-dependency to take care of me, but the fact is, I'm still a co-dependent and a people pleaser. I need to find balance in this, but lately I've just felt like a mess as I've tried to fix me. Instead of stepping out of my co-dependency and into a normal life, I've been trying to step out of my co-dependency and find myself stepping into food addiction. Mainly sugar addiction, but it doesn't have to be sugar, it just makes the pain dull more. At least that's the lie I've been believing. I noticed it even more clearly yesterday as I sat in my van, eating a candy bar, unwinding from a long co-dependent day at work. This week God gave me a word thru a friend that just blew me away. He said that I'm perfect. 

Now this could've gone really bad if I'd been in a different mind set when I'd received this word. But God's timing was perfect. Along with the word. It didn't go to my head in that I took it personally and patted myself on the back thinking I'd made it. It could've gone that way, but instead it went a little different than that. I got that word in the morning before work. It had been a rough week leading up to this time, where I'd been feeling like a mess, a failure. I had asked the ladies in my 12 step group to pray that I would be able to know God's love in my heart vs my head. Then comes this word from God, that He thinks I'm perfect. The way I received it was that I didn't have to try and fix me to make me better. I was already perfect. God thought so. How can He be wrong? So I dwelt on that all that day and into the next. Wow! God thinks I'm perfect. I don't have to change to please him. That was a freeing thought. So I didn't mind eating that candy bar on the way home. I didn't feel guilty about it either. Then I started eating peanuts. That's when it hit me that I was trying to dull a pain in my life. To hide from it. I don't know what pain or thought it is, but I've been doing it for a while. Avoiding my feelings. Eating them instead.

Knowing that I can just be, makes my life easier and less stressful. I don't have to try harder to please him, but to just rest in His love for me. Because even in my mess, my brokenness, He thinks I'm perfect. What a place to be.